If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
birth control should be required to get into college
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
