I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
