Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
