You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
