ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I think people are normalizing furries
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
