there's paper in my vomit.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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