How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
