so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize