My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
