Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
