$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
