Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize