don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
