The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
