Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
