I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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