Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
