I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
