ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
