My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
