those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
