I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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