I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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