I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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