Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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