I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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