Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Randomize
