Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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