How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I will pee on everything he values.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
