Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
OPIZZABONMYDICK
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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