The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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