Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
