Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
