So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize