What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
