I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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