Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
