Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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