He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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