I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize