Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
