I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
