Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
