She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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