Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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