So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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