There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
