The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
