i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
