McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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