Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
