I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
