I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
