I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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