how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
