The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
