I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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