Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
