Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
